I feel I was used long enough to help her get her Masters degree and pay bills then I was no longer needed. I do not want to be with my ex as he did some very bad things, but I mourn for the loss of our whole family as a unit and broken promises. 20. Dont allow bitterness to rule I know it isnt easy, but we have no choice but to accept what has happened & deal with it. Then she decided to take her Mom for a vacation to ensure that she was at peace and enjoy a new atmosphere outside the norm. The dread and emptiness you feel after a breakup, is subtly acknowledged as in it's the subject of every great work of art known to man but publicly, it's not an acceptable reason to like, skip work or not be a functional human being. I only ever did what I thought was best for my children at the time, but guess that wasnt enough. Give yourself time to heal and recover from the pains of being apart. Divorce is hard on everyone. Especially finding out about the other persons affair 2 years later and how it was happening for much longer. Not feeling your feelings. Mistake #1: Feeling Like a Failure The unearthing of secrets when, like a woman possessed, I became Miss Marple, Agatha Christie would have approved. It hurts and brings confusion to the children. Theres no going back, only accepting what lies behind & making the best of what is left. The divorce was my idea. The dust never settles is an apt idiom for those of us who carry an unexplainable sadness deep down even though they have moved on. The community of comments was especially helpful in affirming that I am not unusual and that this is the reality of the human experience. joanne. The judgement by others(including family) has been searing. I have a great relationship now and am engaged. College, med school, residency and air force payback and then he left us, filed while he was in another country. Its a terrible gnawing that can be pushed to the far back but doesnt seem to go away. As time goes on, there are less and less bad days, and more good ones . Which is sad because we still get along, AOL and I. I wish everyone here the peace and happiness you deserve, and if the pain is still there, so be it ignore the platitudes (time is a healer. But I could not stop it. I am not sure of what to do. Heres the thing, what hurts the most for me right now is still not having found another love. Mine left me after 40 years, for a woman 25 years younger. God bless you! He also says, Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Romans 12:19. I feel so sad for anyone in this position, and hope they get some relief in their situation. I am so sickened by the whole thing, and so, so sad. A lot of it hit home with me. I will care for her as long as I am physically able, but I am so sad that I have to go through this alone, and one day, she will pass away and I will be alone in my pain and sorrow at her passing. My ex moved on, remarried a month after the divorce. "@type": "Answer", But my heart tells me that interacting with her as a friend is more hurtful. Again if comforting to know that Im not alone in what I am still feeling . This also resonates with me. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. Thank you for putting your experience to paper which identifies the common pain we shareand doing it so perfectly. irritability. "@type": "Question", Parent conflict is dangerous to children. Time is supposed to heal us and all our wounds. I thought is wasnt normal to still feel guilty 10 years later. If you happen to go beyond such, then it will be presumed as the marriage was still in existence, and whatever abuse was there will always remain, and the pain of divorce at this point will never go away. Help Is Here. I still do it 4.5 years later. But it still hurts and may always. At the moment its him using we/our in his e-mails because I am having his sister to stay. I wish for better days. The residual anger,. I initiated it. 10 years is more than enough my dear. Needing to be right. Thank you again for sharing your stories. That morning somehow felt like a pivotal moment in my life. Its been a struggle and I have a lot of guilt/remorse/regret Im the one who initiated the divorce. Ive been divorced for 1 year and 3 months after a very messy separation and 17 year relationship. Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. 6-12 years. I somewhat relate to you (except that my 2 adult kids do see reality and stand by my side, and at the same time love their dad, which is better for their own well being). However, while you may expect to feel a bit sad about your ex moving on, you may be surprised or confused at the . I will say this never again will I give any women a chance to hurt me . Not seen your child daily, especially when child is still very young, is excruciating. I was excited about the changes I could see or at least was trying to reach. Thank you for writing this article and for me stumbling upon it Im so glad there are others out there who understand, and can put into words, how this feels. Thank you, Ms. Wolf, for expressing what I have been feeling. As such, it is essential to take up to 4 years to allow complete healing before you start dating. Intense anger may be the main reason most former spouses have no interest in. "name": "Can you be completely happy after divorce? I live my life, then something triggers the pain all over again, even a simple thing like a beautiful sunset: why isnt he here to share this? Its like a phantom limb. You would not be providing a broken home to a child, youd be providing love and stability and a father. And my bitterness prevents me from speaking to her, despite her efforts to remain friends. people say you should be over and done by now . Ive got friends I hardly hear from anymore. My career has suffered. Within the last year, I ended my 20-year marriage after slowly coming to the realization that it was a codependent relationship. Oh, so difficult! Being the spouse left behind hurts tremendously. I thought I was the only person who had these feelings as other people seem to move on so quickly. Might have been easier on me emotionally if he had died. I wish all who have experienced this, the best of strength and happiness. All you have to do is Be Still and trust in God, He will take care of the rest. I was married for 29 years and so I am almost there. I was too immature to realize that the man he was and our relationship was the hottest thing ever. I love my daughter dearly and wouldnt want it any other way. I think it just fine to feel it even years later despite moving on in many respects. This so much speaks to me . You deserve to come to peace with your divorce so that you can begin a new and richer life. He is now married to the woman he left me for, after 30 years together. ", I have not dated anybody because Im still in the process of healing and I know it would not be wise doing so until I am ready to turn the page over completely. I was married for 42 years when suddenly, without warning, a knock at the door, and a sheriff with divorce papers. Thinking that being alone means being lonely. I find it hard to understand and accept that a loving man (believe me he loved all women) could sever his life so fully, walk away and turn into a man I never knew. from their father when they need us both. But thats good, hes learning from his father, its ok to feel certain emotions, no matter how much time has passed. We are expected to be resilient after a major loss or major life event such as divorce. My head knows the Lawsuit has no value. Dont let years and years pass by and cling to the pain, hurt, and resentment. The more time that passes, the more reminders and suggestions you will need to deal with the aftermath of . Im also thankful that there were no answers in your message. I love being reminded that we can carry both happy and sad. I have truly tried to find out who I am. The betrayal is devastating. Divorce at this point takes the order of the day. I didnt think it would affect me but, it has. But you have to stop punishing yourself and adding to the belief that you lost your one and only chance for true love. Ben's Answer:The relationships that break our heart the most are often based on an idealized image of the person that we lost. Better if you acknowledge the pain and express it openly instead of trying to deny it as if it doesnt exist at all." I have moved on and with a new partner. He is picking up on some aura, some mood, some indefatigable something that I am still carrying around, or that returns on certain familial occasions. The pain visits quite infrequently now (thank god) but once in a while it still hits me, hard. I am proud of all you women as I am proud of myself, for making it through. Wow. It's been 2.5 years since my divorce and I am in a new relationship but I am still sad that I got divorced. and special occasions are the hardest. My divorce happened suddenly and unexpectedly (to me) 12 years ago after 26 years of marriage. I cannot see me ever loving another man and would I find another at 62? I do not miss him, nor do I want him back, I feel like I served my time so to speak after 15 1/2 years of marriage. Best artical I have read on divorce. 3-5 years. I had an amazing marriage, and I loved being a husband. He sees them now as we live 5 minutes away. And the Feelings Aren't What I Expected. I have fallen in love again after my divorce. Wow, I was taken aback by this editors unkindness and lack of compassion. So.i take some comfort from the fact that others feel this way as well. Feeling lost after a divorce is natural and common. Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. We just arent on the same level. I wanted to keep my family together but could not. Related: Healing From A Relationship With A Narcissist Before jumping ahead to the realities of life after divorce from a narcissist, it's worth summarizing the tell-tale traits of self-absorbed personality.. 7 Traits of a Narcissist Couple years later, I still float back into hope and denial stages. And believe me, its been so hard and heartbreaking. It hasnt been that long. It is nice to know there are others out there besides me. After a breakup, I like most people, feel like a shell of a woman, with no hope for a better future. Why are you holding onto it? My kids are well. And I can see now that my ex and I had probably wrung everything we could out of our marriage, so I try to be grateful for the opportunity to become my own person in a way I dont think I ever would have had he not ended things. Its not easy to find realistic articles on the very-long-term type of pain resulting from a divorce, so this one was a breath of fresh air. Dwelling on what you should have done. No longer. At times one may not be the person who was intending to break the marriage, and if it came from your partner, then it becomes tough to overcome the grief, are you still in pain 10 years later? Wishing you all the best There are tactics you can use the get passed the pain, I promise. if I ever get another chance with her I will treat her as a queen . He appears to be very happy whilst me, not so much. so I pray every day for her to be back and are family to be one. Still sometimes sad about not having the life I expected. I didnt even know he was unhappy, he wrote me a love song a few weeks before he left; confusion. Trying to still piece together some normalcy with my grown daughters and now my 2 wonderful But I still think what I did, in leaving him was the worst thing I've ever done or will ever do and it absolutely breaks my heart. Call 707-326-5566 to schedule an initial consultation with Santa Rosa Psychotherapist Ben Schwarcz Thank you for this article! Sad. I often hear wives say things like: "Sure, he's sorry . Youre still living in the past, ruminating on what should have been instead of focusing on what is and what will be. As parents of a "broken home," my ex and I know in our hearts that we did as best as we could for as long as we could, but in the end, it didn't work. Clinging to the word of God is what is helping me go through all the pain and hurt. "acceptedAnswer": { Remember that you can make it on your own, have a positive mindset and accept to move on. you deserve to be happy and to have a fulfilling relationship. It is best if the communication was limited on business issues only, for example, if the ex-spouse has a role to play in bringing up the children, then allow the communication to be focused solely on the child support. I decided that we had no passion or at least I had little to none for him and I wasn't willing to work very hard on it. Intellectually I see all the reasons to be apart from him but buried deep in my heart I still have a longing for what was supposed to be. difficulty concentrating. As for looking to a new love, I have no desire. You dont need to be friends with her but, you need to develop new friends and start enjoying your life. Along with the occasional look of, "Mhmm, sure.". The average first marriage that ends in divorce lasts about 8 years. You may interpret my conclusions as bitterness or cynicism, more pronounced at moments and evaporating at others. And its been tuff, specially when He was the unfaithful, controlling, abusive one. I've been having a recurring dream every night for the past few weeks. You really cant talk to anyone about it. "acceptedAnswer": { Are men and women so different? If we don't bounce back, that means the healing is. Instead, there is the story of the three of us together, of something in me irrevocably fractured, and I can only hope, less so in my sons. Know how you feel, Sheila, & there is no easy way through the pain. Marriages are meant to be enjoyed, not endured. It is more than enough! Symptoms of divorce-related depression can include any, or a combination of, the following: Sudden loss of interest in things you once enjoyed Loss of appetite Increase in appetite Weight loss or gain Difficulty sleeping Excessive irritability Rage Sudden insomnia Increased fatigue Difficulty focusing or concentrating Difficulty making decisions I have tried to date, but it never works out. And I have learned to respect the individual better and how to love not control, I have learned all that but one thing that I have learned looking back I can see how I got like that its tough being a man in this world women want both sides of it they wanna man that is strong and can take care of them but at theyre same time they want the freedom to be able to do whatever they want at any time and if you question it youre controlling I took it as that did not understand that I was being so controlling I believe I was I think although in my heart and mind I thought I was doing the right thing for my children and my wife the things that I tried to get us to do Or the way I had As us live Truly in my heart I thought it was the best for us not just for myself but I can see now that I did not respect her individual feelings I shouldve let her have her space and Ive learned what it would take to be a good man so the what I hold onto is hopefully shell know and understand that I have learned all this and many other things and can love me again and come back. I once experienced a lady who was struggling with the pain of overcoming separation alone and when I purposed to hold her hand, she started relaxing, and within a short time, life to her became a joyous one. we see each other all the time with that and every smell and sound and sight reminds me of her and how my family was and could be .. He didnt ask for forgiveness, nor can I find it in my heart to forgive him the hurt and emptiness is too deep. I lost multiply job. An example is engaging in mind teasing activities, for instance going back to school for your masters on a part-time basis. The final dagger was my grandparents will 23 years ago (which I had forgotten, never thinking anything like this would happen) giving me 20 acres of land in Indiana, inheritance is not included in divorce settlement. The grief of your family broken or split is for sure the hardest thing to get over Im still feeling the wound 36 years after the divorce. I will be praying for you Lerlie, and for each and everyone that have shared their pain and hurt as well on the comments. If left for another person, the pain is unbearable at times. 25 years gone after her affair. Thank you for this - sadly after 20 years and 2 young kids we split 3.5 years ago. I hope they see that what is good in life can outweigh the hurt of our deepest disappointments. Ali November 14, 2015 At 1:56 pm. Which means that by cutting her out, I cut them out, which leaves me alone. Never have found out exact reason, except maybe money. I have been doing a lot of soul searching trying to figure out the consistent sadness I feel after 7 years. I wonder if my ex ever feels the way you do it would be a crumb of comfort but not anything remotely triumphant that he may be suffering. No tool and not even with time repairs. Thank you for finding those words. I don't know exactly how I feel about that. but is still just a imitation of what are family should and would be. And I have not been able to shake my own love for him, even though he hurt me so deeply. I don't know how to stop the regret and guilt!! If you continue drinking to avert suffering, then this will never help you to heal, and your emotions towards life will only worsen. I still cry daily for my marriage but also as a single parent of an autistic son and tween girl life is tough. Concentrate on investments that would help you work out what is best for you and stop being obsessed about your ex-partner. Most days I only want to lay around and play videogames. You see, every dream died with divorce, I was a stay at home mom and we entertained so often. Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. Seeking revenge. Shelia sorry to hear about your story. God sees our pain, our tears. I received a summons to have my alimony modified. No tool and not even with time repairs. I am deeply saddened reading the pain others feel and the hurt by being on the receiving end of divorce. We all grieve differently. But this article said exactly the things that others cannot understand unless theyve experienced it. You may continue hurting 10 years later because of being fed with negative information of your ex-wife thereby holding you from getting over your past hurts. Youre allowing your pain to keep you from enjoying your children and grandchildren. I have stayed very close to his family (I only have my mother as immediate family) and so now and again I have to have contact with him. Thank God I found this. I feel completely abandoned and alone. Why rock my boat. Sam, have you considered going to therapy to work through your pain? It makes me hide a little bit of my truth (the sadness) from people. Divorce can be worse than dying. I still find myself falling into a funk in November and December, and then it takes all of January to get my feet back under me. Don't Fight Your Feelings All of our emotions are given to us for a reason. Divorce can be hard on children but, equally, so can watching parents fight and endure a loveless marriage "for the sake of the kids.". Friendship is not what I want at all. Moving on after divorce certainly requires more than someones prescription. but I met her when I was 20 and she was 17 . I was told many times by her and our therapist that I was too attached, I loved her to much. "@type": "FAQPage", It affected my relationship with my children. Im happily remarried, yet Im still sad 17 years later. Friends dont understand, and my only comfort is my faith in God and lots and lots of prayer. It's over between Real Housewives of Atlanta star Drew Sidora and Ralph Pittman. Dating the same man again. We met my freshman year of college and I truely feel that he shaped who I am today in the most positive way anyone ever could and then I left him. Our daughter is getting married this year, to a lovely chap but my cynicism remembers the lovely young chap I put my faith and future in! Its now 10 years since my husband walked out after 29 years of marriage, and having had an affair with his now partner for eight months before he did so. The more you feed your mind with positive thoughts, the more you can overcome. I am happy for her and my kids to be having a good life but it still hurts to be left behind. Grieving Your Old Life Toughing it out. Not everyone makes it to acceptance. I thought I was going to be married for ever to the man I said my vows to through thick and thin, I never imagined it not lasting. This surely helped me, & Im grateful for the article and comments; 12 years after my husband left me, a week before Christmas, & moved on with another woman, as if wed never had a life of 25 years. I feel bad for my children always going in 2 directions and not having the support The anger caught me off guard today, for I thought my heart had healed; deep sadness can still come around, this time of year, and I am relieved to know it isnt uncommon. Its been nearly 3 years (which I suppose is not that long really, but it feels like a long time to be so sad) and I cry every day, in private, so hard sometimes that Im not sure I will be able to stop. It has been just over a year now and I still feel like I have been kicked in the stomach daily. Moving on after divorce is hard when all you do is live the past instead of the present. I am not happy but it still gives me joy to see my kids and grandkids and makes me smile. The family I thought I had was broken by the man I gave my life to in marriage, nothing is ever the same again. My heart is breaking. Don't give up on yourself or your life for a mistake you think you made 10 years ago. I take strange comfort in the fact that you still hurt 36 years after your divorce: I realise it sounds odd but the comfort is in knowing that Im not the only one who cannot move on as I was told to over and over again. Some changed for the better, some are still works in progress. But thats good, hes learning from his father, its ok to feel certain emotions, no matter how much time has passed. Ive heard the lectures about moving on after divorce many times. Well what I get out of it is I love her and hope and pray to the Lord that I get another opportunity with her since neither one of us are seeing or dating anyone after five years, And the reason why I dont trust other women is the result I got out of dating women the first two years trying to replace her which I could not I thought about her the entire time .The reason why I trust her is I created this mess and caused her to leave I was not the man I shouldve been . My father died two weeks before she left . Its like I never existed in her world. The sadness and hurt came subtly and hovered over me. Ive been divorced many, many years, but it still hurts sometimes. Children from divorced families may experience more externalizing problems, such as conduct disorders, delinquency, and impulsive behavior than kids from two-parent families. Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. I believe scars remain, but forgiveness can set us free still, it is a choice we make each time the pain appears. You may find all the divorce lectures and traditional wisdom in adages like time heals all, may not fit your circumstances at all. We were together about 12 yrs all together, until I was 30. At these events, we were supposed to be celebrating together as a couple, as a family, as one. Most psychologists and therapists' general rule is one year of healing and recovery for every five to seven years of marriage. I struggle through. Ive been alone for over 12 years, the pain has definitely lessened, but there are times it still hurts & always will. My pain stems from a few things, pain left over from childhood (which I believe we all have to some degree) and pain from him leaving me without any real (as I saw it) truth for me to keep. Couples counselling, yes, but half-assed. Hang on there, you are so precious to God, and there is not one moment whatsoever that He has not been by your side, He will carry you thru this. Add in a young child, and the other spouse refusing to work on things, rather, cut bait and get out immediately with no reason. Oh, theres likely nothing so special about my story except perhaps how long it raged. I have adult children and yes, they have their own lives. Although she burdens me daily with spam, she's devoted and reliable. Needless to say, they do not see him and rarely communicate with him. Yet in our many hard years since the marriage ended, there was a great deal of good in our little household of one mom, two boys and a big mutt. Studio Firma/Stocksy United. Cheers to a better tomorrow! Somehow, I have ended up the bad-guy. Good luck to everyone here as well divorce is tough but we are tougher . The process of divorce brings forth a torrent of pain, anger and cruelty, the detritus of which still hangs over me like a cloud. Anyway, I saved the article to read and reread, and I hope I will get to the point where I do not miss the man any longer. },{ The days I dont see my son are brutally hard. She up and decided one day she no longer wanted to be married to me or anyone for that matter. I can relate a lot with you. You arent able to create what society defines as a nuclear family but, if youre receptive, you are able to create a family any child, especially an orphan would love to be part of. You are welcome to reach out to me at, [emailprotected] Bless you! Pain can coexist with happiness. Then my dream ends, and I wake up crying. As others, I am so glad I found this article, and reading the comments I now realise I am not being stupid. My son sees a sadness every so often in me. Other people here have shown me that there is nothing wrong with the way I feel, and I cannot thank you all enough for that. I was 21 and immature and didn't know how to communicate in a healthy manner & I have an . Shared custody, full custody, whatever custody a parent is granted; theres a brokeness that will never be repaired. My divorce might be legally over soon. When you ask your 21 year old how her mom is doing ,she says not good and starts sobbing. but it still remained as vague and dusky as the smoke from my cigarettes. Many couples never recover from divorce because of feeding their minds with evil thoughts about your past marriage, calling and abusing your ex-partner. What makes a luxury lake home design special, Learn About the Very Wild and Interesting Psychedelic Era. It becomes manageable, but thats about it. I know what youre going through. Some of the common signs of depression are mentioned in an article by psy.com. My exhusband moved on quickly and even has a new baby. And heres an irony out of the blue, I checked an email account that I only check maybe 2X a year and my ex had emailed me I have not heard anything from him in over 10 years, I lived in the same city as him for 16 years and now? Commit yourself to enjoy life and move on without fear. Good luck! Almost the minute he left I was being told to move on, make a life for myself etc. A divorce can be painful for both people - start new . 22. I just found out today that the ex and his wife (my friend) have purchased property in a place where WE as a family would spend summers. it has been 5 years she is with no one and I am not eather . 15 years after divorce she is bubbling over with joy, energy and health. A fractured. Esters comment summed it up beautifully. This is a very profound article, it exactly mirrors how I feel about being divorced even 35 years down the line. We dont need another answer, do we? Ive been to so many different therapist I cant count on two hands The first one was a marriage counselor since then its been all different kinds psychiatrist psychologist its just comes down that I love her and I want to wait on her but the pain going through this is almost unbearable I dont trust any other woman ever again but its extremely lonely I dont get to see my kids very much at all I have grandchildren I dont see them a lot some, Part of the reason is my children are grown so I understand that theyre trying to take care of their own family two of them are married the other one is a teenager but every time I see them I just want my family back to normal I just dont wanna live like this much pain the rest of my life I feel like Im a man without a country. It doesnt undo the bittersweet clarity that when I look into my sons faces, I see my dad (long deceased) and my exs mother (whom I once loved), both of whom are no longer in my life.
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