painted_lady Find your shared interests and go from there? Which is exactly why she wrote in. My teenage kids are miserable & he treats them like they are toddlers. Unfortunately, the old woman fell ill, and Janet had to marry a worthless man in place of her parents' biological daughter to meet the maid's medical expenses. Interested in science? It sounds like she and her daughter just happen to share the same interests. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. Totally agree on the respect issue. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this difficult situation. My first question is, would he want you to go with them when they go camping/hiking/whatever? (Which is fine, I guess. Generally, Ive found that geeky fandoms have more respect for and interest in learning than, say, those who follow the Kardashians would. Other times, it may be something more complicated, such as unresolved feelings of jealousy or resentment. July 2, 2013, 11:06 am. Then ice cream after. No we're not on speaking terms after he decided to sell his grandmother's home (my wife's mother) instead of keeping it. However, its wife that wrote in. My best friend is in that episode! I know you said you dont want to hear about counseling and your problem isnt communication, but really? Older and (hopefully) wiser We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. His dad wasnt a particularly avid fisherman, he just thought it would be a good father-son activity. Way to become a teenager yourself dad. I see it as a dad getting short changed and mom monopolizing time with daughter. But nurturing these relationships between your daughter and both you and your husband while exposing her to things that may or may not be of immediate interest to her WILL help her be a more well-rounded, confident young woman secure in the knowledge that both her parents love her. (I remember one long drive when i was little where we ran out of all other cds and they suffered through it for a little while and I was happy as a clam, but eventually they couldnt deal with it anymore). Camping and hiking which FRANKLY are much better for her both physically and psychologically in the long run. (Okay, okay, I am projecting here, but again, I had way too many friends who were all way to into Buffy back in the day. He said he wasnt hungry and why would I think hed want to eat after a rotten day? Tell her how much he appreciates it. I hated being around my father because it was constant criticism about my interests, which frankly, felt very personal because I was deficient for not being what he wanted. I dont care that much about baseball, but my dad is a fanatic so I played catch with him in the backyard and had fun because we were spending time together. I think this is a great point. If he constantly puts her down she will not like him and she will not respect him because she knows that he has no respect for her. As always, your anonymity is golden. It struck me the wrong way, too. Awesome show full of information. He is an adult and should act like one- his daughter will model her behavior off of his and what she is learning now is why bother respecting those with different interests. My parents did stuff with me because I wanted to and vice versa, of course thats important! It took me a VERY long time to develop my own interests and become my own person I think youre right to encourage your daughter to be who she is and like what she likes. But hes an adult and should show an equal interest in what his daughter likes instead of disparaging her interests and rolling his eyes at her. If your daughter is still willingly doing these activities I dunno since most teenagers are rather bratty and self absorbed and not keen on doing things they dont enjoy Id hazard a guess she finds them more fun than you would like. Whats ok is to have a balance. 1. But you can help your daughter learn to cope with her feelings and manage her relationship with her father. My dad got me into the Beatles and Hendrix, so I hear that! If you are involved with a crazy-making partner, dont think youre alone. You also need to encourage your husband to be respectful of his daughters interests. Um, no. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. From Voyager, for some odd reason, The Q and the Grey really struck a chord with me and actually made me challenge all of my beliefs regarding what is beyond humanity. July 2, 2013, 11:05 am. To do that, I think she has to be less invested in making sure child is 100% happy 100% of the time and I think she has to rationally explain to her husband how some of his actions are being perceived. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm. Yes, this is the stuff a 7th grade girl needs to hear to boost her self-esteem. Grow up, already. Making your kids do shit they dont necessarily like a lot is just life. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm. I went to on a three week roadtrip with her last spring (LA to New Orleans) a year ago in January And then we went to Bali for two weeks. Ooh, that was common ground for my dad and sisters and I. Mini golf. I was thinking this too. You can look at him as a mean bully, like you do, or an involved father who is trying to raise a well rounded child. Hes trying to be a parent to her and teach her what he thinks is important for her to know, while I am trying to encourage her to develop her own interests and do what she loves. To this day we have a great relationship, and now Im able to make the same efforts for him. Im sorry, but the father is an asshole. Forget it. Same with the radio in the car I like country or musicals, he cant stand it, theres no way Id put that on. I wish Id been closer to my mother growing up, but now that Im almost 30, were as close as can be, so maybe itll just take a few years. Its also important to take into account your daughters age and stage of development. Otherwise theyll never be able accept the ribbing and teasing that happens in life. Frankly, her interests sound pretty varied to me for 12: reading, pop culture, sci-fi, archery, piano and Broadway. One of my faves is when they all de-evolve into more primitive forms and Worf-monster hunts Picard around the ship. July 2, 2013, 12:00 pm, Haha, I know your story honey, and am very jealous of your mom. I realized at a young age that compromise was an important thing in a relationship. bittergaymark Ive definitely think Ive learned more from my daughter than shes learned from me. July 3, 2013, 3:26 am, You probably know this already but Meribor = Picards daughter. Haha, are you saying I should stop saying that listening to Taylor Swift on repeat is annoying? We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. The fact that he is open to sharing his interests with her is key thats going to be where the relationship develops. a truly horrible driver. Older and (hopefully) wiser Amazing job today! You wouldnt even ask that of an adult; why do you expect a kid to be okay with it? Scifi and fantasy have an adult audience for a reason (and a lot of the scientists on your husbands shows were inspired to study it because of Star Trek and the like). The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. Like I said, I consider myself a mature, intelligent adult, yet I read People magazine. lets_be_honest It was always classic rock radio in the car, and at home he usually had some background music going, often from his own enormous collection of CDs that included everything from classic rock to blues to zydeco. I think This Old House was all overbut only we know Miss Judy. But he read the paper and talked about the articles, so I started reading the paper and talking about the articles. But his way is tearing them apart, to the point where she and I look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him. Im also coming from a place where I 100% agree with Wendy that her interests could also change next month or next year so its more about tone/approach/attitude than actual activities. Your biggest enemy when your spouse is driving you crazy is proximity. Its great because its competitive but also forces cooperation (you need to trade for resources to gain points in the game). I was an only child, so my moms attention was nice, but I do remember thinking as a child that I wished she was normal in that she was more like a mom than a friend. It gives them a model for their own m, kerrycontrary Hmm, maybe. I dont get the sense that the dad is making any effort to get to know his daughter he just wants a reflection of himself and is acting like an immature ass in the process. So insightful! But while we would toss a softball back and forth to help me work on not flinching, he would let me rattle on and on about whatever inane thing had my interest (I didnt read much fiction, beyond Harry Potter, but I read a lot of nature books, so I would talk about whatever animal I had been reading about recently. Id love to tell you about the things I like. Shes a kid, with a kids sense of fairness, so that would probably be a good compromise, because right now, hes asking her to do all the changing. My husband and I have been together for seven years and married for three. Roll your eyes!?! Hed come out and hit the ball or play catch or Horse. Husbands can inadvertently drive their daughters away by overstepping boundaries, being too critical, or taking on too much control. Here are 5 common ways I unintentionally pushed my husband away. After all, youre two different people with different perspectives, needs, and wants. Not while professing such love for me and genuinely remorseful when Im upset. Or else hes doing a disservice to her. Im not saying that it is ok to be cruel because kids need to grow a thicker skin. What is ok depends on the temperment and personality of every child. July 2, 2013, 4:19 pm. It was nothing but glassy-eyed stares and yawning. bittergaymark He liked baseball and trivia and languages and anthropology all stuff I didnt really care about. The opposite gender relationship in a family (IMO) kinda shapes future relationships your daughter may have with boyfriends. That sounds awful, Im, so sorry. And aside from all the other suggestions people have made, like neutral activities such as mini golf and ice cream, what about a trade? Before the 12 year was born. The LW can do more to assist, and certainly needs to break away from the us versus him mentality (its easier said that done) but at the same time she cant force 2 other people to enjoy their time together. No. My dad tried to practice volleyball with me even though I was awful, but I wouldnt call that trying to force me to like it. We all died laughing. I definitely DONT think my experience and this familys are similar. July 2, 2013, 4:12 pm, See, I think that is horrible of your stepfather. lets_be_honest I think it would seem less like forcing if he wasnt being a dictator about other things I mean maybe if she could listen to her music or a Harry Potter book on tape in the car on the way camping the daughter would be in a better mood , Marjoralynnia Hold on there, NKOTB are STILL awesome! Game of Thrones? If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. He would watch Full House or something with us. But that he made the effort to give me my interests. And his dad didnt want to hear anything about my husbands interests. On the flip side, my mother was much like LWs husband in that she always encouraged competitiveness and athleticism and things she thought were good. I wanted to spend more time with him so he took me golfing with him early in the morning, even though I didnt know how to play. Hopefully, when he sees that it's his entire family that is worried, he'll see that change is needed. The kids moved away first then the ex followed them Needless to say visits with his kids are rare. And with Netflix and Hulu and all that jazz, getting all caught up on Buffy and Firefly and Star Trek and other shows that are ancient history with most of todays teens, is not all that hard. Just saying that I dont consider Buffy the Vampire Slayer a mature, intelligent show. July 3, 2013, 3:16 am. When you are in the same space with someone who is watching TV all day or farting often or slurping their coffee or whatever, unless you get away from them you will most likely explode. Especially a board game like Cranium where everyone can shine in what theyre good at, and it can be good to pair up with someone youre different from. THIS. Or are they just not able to love without losing themselves? He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. I do also believe that your husband really does need to at least embrace a couple of her interest if he wants her to embrace the things he likes. There are times I dont have any interest in my husbands hobbies, but I know that if I go with him to a Magic: The Gathering tournament this weekend, hell accompany me to see the new Pixar movie when I want to go. He wasnt invested in making mini-hims at all, and I am so grateful for my dad. My dad patiently put up with and even encouraged me in my obsessions. Spyglassez I agree with you, again. Im still mad at my parents for allowing me to grow up without listening to Led Zeppelin. Its like a circle of hell specifically for we of the ADHD. One activity we all enjoyed!!!! I cant think of a single interest that we shared from when I was a teenager that I didnt learn from him in some way. The problem is, he's never been able to relate to them and, even when he does talk with them, he causes an argument or upsets them. "If your family don't want to see both of you . Everyone can have a relaxing hobby. Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. That way, everyone gets a say and is sort of forced to share each others interests. But if youre saying that getting the daughter into these things was some deliberate, malicious move on the part of the mother, I doubt that. Did my mother? This jealousy can manifest in destructive behavior, such as belittling his wife or trying to undermine her relationships with others. No matter how much mom encourages their relationship, the child is hearing Dad thinks Im stupid.. I honestly think both parents are at fault. July 2, 2013, 11:53 am. My parents listened to Oldies. Every time I try to get ahead of the game, I feel like the rug is pulled out. All other things aside, Im actually a fan of those assignments. I guess I dont know exactly how he does it, but in our house we have things like that but with politics/government because I believe it is truly important to understand our government, how it works, how it doesnt work, and how our beliefs affect our views. But it isnt you guys against him. LW, you should probably rationally explain to your husband that eye rolling is unacceptable. If both parents are making an effort to connect, I think 12 is an acceptable age to understand that things arent always about you, and sometimes we do things for other people just because we love the person if not the activity. July 2, 2013, 3:14 pm. So sad. The daughter will then learn to respond in similar (asking others about their hobbies, showing genuine interest, accepting of differing hobbies). July 2, 2013, 12:12 pm. Your email address will not be published. I simply didnt get it.) July 2, 2013, 12:17 pm. Engage in any behavior that gaslights my daughter in law. July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm, Finding out the music my parents listened to opened up my eyes to who they used to be. Make it clear that it's not just his children that feel this way but you as well, and that something must change. He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. (directed at the view in general, not you Fabelle) Am I not a read mid-twentysomething because I like them? Cover your daughter and her husband with generous . In short, that means they have a common reality they both share, so that each believes the other will see things in approximately the same way. And that if he continues to do so, he risks damaging these relationships still further. Did he take me out to Madonna concerts and listen to me babble on endlessly about her latest video. Exactly Lily! And then, the next morning, he was an angel and brought me coffee in bed. Your dad was probably not rolling his eyes and making disparaging remarks about your interests. Definitely. Seriously. My daughter openly tells him that she hates him and that he is a douche and that she wouldn't care if he was out of her life. If a father is not present in his daughters life, she may feel neglected and unloved. Asking. Think of it this way: the car insurance typically follows the car, not the driver. Its great to have an involved parent, but its also good to take a step back and take time for yourself and your marriage. bittergaymark I think what Wendy is missing in her response is dealing with the fathers attitude towards his daughters interests. TV Review: Hitler diaries show fake news didn't begin with the internet, Notorious prisoner Charles Bronson to face public parole hearing, Big Issue seller numbers up due to cost-of-living pressures, says founder, Watch for the April 5 investment tax change, Preparing for a future sale of your business, Tom Allen is Completely committed to comedy and 'Auntie Glo', Weekend Q&A: ran Clarke from NI Opera's Nobody/Somebody, Mary Kelly: Unionists' tendency to turn a gift horse into a tin of dogmeat is legendary - and their Westminster chums are getting fed-up with it. Criticism gets internalized so much more easily at certain ages and coming from certain people something everyone should be more aware of. And then it was like ok, you dont have to do that (not that I ever DID have to, I wanted to go, and then discovered it sucked). Ive never had anyone go, Oh my gawwwwwwd, PL, whyyyyyyyyyy? These dreams can also give you advice about what you need to do to steer your life in the direction you would like it to go. Required fields are marked *. Perhaps the suggestion of planning an event night or game night type of thing where each family member gets to plan one a week? He still clips those articles, and even though he and I are a ways apart politically, I can always trust them to have something well-reasoned and thoughtful to say. Team sports, outdoorsy, tomboyish stuff. Agreed. But I do think, however hes approaching it, the dad needs to come from a starting place thats going to pique the daughhers interests. Actually, we dont know this girl but based on this letter, I think that the father is very concerned that she isnt well rounded. Its not your fault if your partner and daughter dont get along. Hed take me to Barnes and Noble and buy me a new Star Wars fan magazine every time. And musicals should be revered as an art form. bittergaymark Yeah, I think its going to be hard for her to get her husband to listen to her parent to parent if hes already being alienated. For older adults, taking away their driving privileges can be traumatic and can even cause depression. Im doing everything I can to make things work between us. But yes, to all of it. It should open up LWs eyes to the reality of the situation. I firmly believe that there is no such thing as reading too much. Additionally, she may worry that if you stay together, shell have to deal with the same unhappy marriage later on in her own life. I know from personal experience. It should be a crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. You have to do whats best for yourself and your family. You need to be very careful, then, to avoid reacting out of worry or false guilt. Twelve year old take everything personally, so if hes saying I hate your favorite book, its so annoying, shes probably hearing, Youre stupid for liking that, even when its not what he means. We watch those shows now, pre-children, but I assume well continue to do so once we have kids. She may not have attended every softball game, but she never missed a dance recital or play, and always made sure I had a clean uniform for those softball games and a snack to take with me. Crazy-makers often give up the love they most desperately need when they feel any sense of an obligatory payback. And my fingers are still crossed for you , kerrycontrary Hes got to find ways to connect his interests with hers. Encouraging both of them to try more and be respectful would be a good start. Apparently I am super wrong about This Old House my college friends would just give me a blank stare if I brought it up. I would call that well-rounded. You may need to have a conversation with your husband and daughter separately to get to the bottom of whats going on. I wanted nothing to do with my dad for a long time. The How I Met Your Father star welcomed her son, Luca, with ex-husband Mike Comrie in 2012. Now she's asked me to talk to him for her and, the truth is, I'm fed up with her moping and simply don't want to. The conflict between your husband and daughter is bound to happen. When I got to college and met all these kids whod been exposed to more high-brow stuff than I had, I definitely felt like I had to play catch-up to at least even have an opinion on this stuff. Im a mom of a 14 yr old version of this LWs daughter mine is going to One Direction on Thursday, and will be spending all of Wednesday and Thursday both preparing for this epic event. This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,100],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3','ezslot_14',135,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3-0');Here are some things you can do: Its not always easy to find the right balance between your spouse and your child, but it is possible. I actually had the opposite relationship growing up. How Do You Resolve Conflict Between Your husband And Daughter? They loved it, I hated it. Theres alot wrong going on here, the parents should definitely get counseling to learn better communication and parenting skills. Another possible reason is that hes trying to save his daughter from being hurt, which is an admirable goal. Did nobody notice this in the OPs letter? Im guessing the teen might be into the more recent iterations of Star Trek, the latest movies to come out of that franchise. He is your best friend, your teammate and your partner. Wed do something hed want to do (touring a waste water treatment plant seriously), and then wed do something I wanted to do a couple weeks later (he took me to see Rent when I was 13!). Sci-Fi is a great gateway to get kids interested in sciencethere was a museum exhibit traveling around called Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination, and theres a similar one about Indiana Jones and archaeology. Do I look back on those times with my dad now and appreciate the time we spend together? I got the same vibe you did. For me there were clues that it went further than that (the wanting her to be competitive and giving her reading assignments for instance), but its possible that because these are her interests too that shes being overly sensitive about it. If everybody liked the same things, the world would be rather boring. lbh based on the LWs description do you really think this is the same as your experience? She occasionally plays them with her friends but she could care less whether she wins or loses because she doesnt care for them and so she isnt invested in the game. She wasnt responding to the father though. No, but we went, because thats how we spent time together- projects and DIY fixes. Okay, maybe I wouldnt want my 12 to read that) they could go to a history museum that has exhibits about the War of the Tudors that partially inspired the novels. I desperately wanted to be an astronaut? And LW, just because there is communicating going on around you doesnt mean that your family has good, healthy, communication. So I cant agree that it is never ok. Theres a true difference between good natured humor and cruelty (even if some people claim it is the the former when it is really the latter) and kids need to be exposed to the former. And so does dad. Hopefully she'll see the sense in this and be able to move on. My father would have considered my sister and I uninformed if we held an opinion that he didnt share, even if we weighed both sides and did research on the issue. These 8 tips are from my experience and may point out things you probably don't know are pushing your husband away and destroying your marriage. You can see it in the fighting. Will he ever change? He played the songs over and over and he had albums (and still does) and he would play them and copy them to the cassette so we could listen to them in the car together (pre CD times). Being My Husbands Caregiver is Exhausting. Also, now I know how to fix stuff. Saying later that night will you ask the spagetti head to pass the salt IS making fun of their child and it is healthy. Listen, this dad sounds exactly like my dad when I was 12, down to insisting I be more competitive, and why cant I play sports, and so on. Its rude for an adult to behave that way towards another adult, and its downright hurtful to do it to your child. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. And make it a good one. Also, at some point, the kids will leave you and then what will you do? , Did anyone else ever watch Home Improvement? Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. LW, would your husband be up for a night of board games with you and your daughter? Well done, as always, my friend. Overly forgiving and intensely devoted partners do not help their partners by taking their patterns personally and destroying their own confidence when they cannot control the outcome. Cool! I love all things Hitchcock now, and not because she brainwashed me if she had her way, Id also love The Three Stooges and The Twilight Zone, and Im not nearly as crazy about those. The fact that you cant appreciate the beauty of T-Swifts prose is mildly concerning. Last Friday night, he worked late and came home exhausted. Twin Flame & Soul Mate Guide, 22 Things You Should Know in Dating Latino Men: What To Expect, Dating Canadian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating Australian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating American Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect. I mean freak out and force your kid to read something if they cant, not if you dont like that they choose to read Harry Potter in their free time.
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